As I lean myself over the toilette at 2 am, forcing myself to throw up all of the whiskey I thought would be a good choice, I decided:
2014, will be the year of writing.
Tonight, I spent a few moments, making myself laugh by telling people that I decided to be sober in 2014, and these were my last drinks in 2013. I convinced people that these were the last drinks I would sip on for 365 days, and it was hilarious. As people felt bad for me and continued to drink, I realized: man I love a good story. At the end of the night my friends drove me home, and I lean over the porcelain God, and I know: nights like these need to be recorded.
So congrats, 2014. You have officially become the year of writing.
"There are a lot of wounded people out there. They are emotionally sinking, they’re hurting, and they desperately need to be loved. And when they are with you, you want to look at your watch and make a graceful exit, because listening to them with all their problems can be grueling. It can be exhausting to be a friend to an emotionally damaged person. The only way they’re going to start filling up emotionally is if somebody loves them, and the only way to love them is to let yourself be emotionally drained. Some of your fullness is going to have to go into them, and you have to empty out to some degree. If you hold on to your emotional comfort and simply avoid those people, they will sink. The only way to love them is through substitutionary sacrifice…All real, life-changing love is substitutionary sacrifice."
I am an embarrassing person. Some girls are sugar, spice and everything nice. Well I am a heaping load of clumsy, half my body weight of word vomit, and a dash of upper lip sweating. It’s not that I’m embarrassing in everything I do, but put me a new situation surrounded by people I barely know, I can guarantee you at least a minutes worth of you tube cringe worthy moments.
This past weekend I had to do my testimonial for my baptism, and the church I go to is super cool and they go all out. They video tape, photograph, and really make it a moment you can hold on to forever. I stayed after church, so that they could video tape my story. When I first signed on to this, I knew what I was getting into. Its not like it was a surprise that I would be taped, but as the day approached what was making me nervous was that I had to share my story with strangers. And that was scary, by all means, my story is not an epic love tale between God and I, I wasn’t telling a tale of Romeo and Juliet, a battle like Beowulf, or even transformation like Eliza Doolittle, but I was telling a story: my story, a very human story.
I’ve never been one to back down from raising my hand, or standing up for a presentation, or singing along to karaoke without knowing the lyrics. I’m pretty outgoing, but man, sharing my story was very humbling. I was on stage with two cameras on me, someone asking my questions and four other people just watching, and I felt incredibly vulnerable. I actually felt flat out naked, words can be so crippling whether being heard or spoken, and I was definitely feeling the affects of their power.
Ultimately the video took about a half an hour to shoot, with probably only thirty seconds of usage. And I like to think I did an okay job in the respect that I only sweated a little, spoke too fast and had a minor case of ugly bang syndrome. Either way, I feel bad for the person who has to edit it.
But in the end, I did it. I was proud of myself, and I am so excited for next weekend. It’s been a long time coming, it was a bumpy ride to get me here, but I am finally giving my public exclamation of love.
Sometimes I feel like I am walking on a gravel road wearing a pair of 5 inch stilettos. I am just stumbling back and forth, wondering when am I going to fall. Then, when I do fall, I think, when should I get back up? Or even better, will someone come by and pick me up? And when I stand, will I be hobbling around with a broken high heel, or a twisted ankle? Will I spend the rest of my life on this road mending a hurt ankle because of a small fall?
So I guess you can say, I spend a lot of time preparing for the worse to happen. Expecting bad news, and thinking about how I will fix it when things fall apart. I’m so fixated I forget where I’m at and what I’m doing that I forget about all the wonderful things.
I forget that although I’m on this bumpy road, where I’m not dressed properly, or even close to being prepared, I still look fabulous and my view is beautiful. I have to remember that I’m not alone on this road, but I’m blessed with other people walking besides me guiding me as I start to stumble. But more importantly, I forget that at the end of this path is a heavenly destination where I will be greeted with arms wide open by the one who loves me the most in this world.
But man, that is so easy to forget. I guess the hardest part of faith is having it. Just fully putting yourself in Gods’ hands to provide, love and care for you in all aspects of your life. And man after years of living by reason, confusion, and not really being sure of this God thing, sometimes its hard for me to just switch my brain off and follow in faith. But when I do switch my brain off and just pray I am overwhelmed with relief, peace, and insurance that everything will be alright.
So this path is newer to me, and it’s a subject I told myself I would never write about, but right now more than anything, writing it down will allow me to sift through my thoughts and find clarity.
So this is page 1, part of chapter 1, in my book about my road.
"I used to think I knew everything. I was a “smart person” who “got things done,” and because of that, the higher I climbed, the more I could look down and scoff at what seemed silly or simple, even religion.
But I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better nor smarter, only luckier. And I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain-no matter how smart or accomplished-they cry, they yearn, they hurt.But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking, too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things:comfort, love, and a peaceful heart."